Playfulness

Why a module on Playfulness?

Kink is play. Taken too seriously, it breaks under the stress of being something that it isn't. Being playful and open minded during exploration the greatest latitude for a deep exploration. Some forms of play can seem serious, such as power exchange games, but they are still just games. Rules exist in the games to make them more fun for everyone, but if the rules aren't working, change them. Key points of playfulness: self awareness, adaptation and role-taking

Let Go

Forget the social expectations of what it is "supposed to" feel like
Don't hold yourself to a standard of perfection
Be OK not knowing things
Accept that this is play and have fun with it!

Adaption

Situations are fluid. Some play sessions can be planned out in detail, but that does not mean that the plan can't change. Maybe something you thought would be exciting wasn't, don't worry about it, move on, but make sure you discuss it later. Similarly, if something goes really well, don't force moving past it, even if it means other parts of the plan have to be sacrificed - you can always play again!

Role Taking

Role-taking and role-playing are social concepts that can be useful in exploring. This aspect of playfulness means you can "try on" different roles. You retain your personal identity, but take on another as an overlay. This can feel uncomfortable, especially if you are not fully confident in your primary identity. Role-taking can always be part of play, but might be especially useful starting off. Let yourself become immersed in a role and take it wherever seems most interesting to you. Some people build a play persona that they return to when playing, whereas others may decide to simply play and not use the mask of a role.

Roles can be full personas or just altering specific elements to enact a different self.

Self Awareness

Don't take yourself too seriously, but also be aware of your own feelings during play. Also make your partner aware of things that seem important to you. Are you enjoying it?

Planning and Signaling

Planning may seem counter to the notion of being playful, but is often required to aid in 'shedding' reality for a while. Planning gives space to the activity. In many relationships this is overcome by the necessity of planning the logistics of an encounter. Despite cohabitation, this is still a necessary part as it allows emotional preparation. Once the basics of the "when?" and "how do we begin?" questions have been established then any further planning is up to the participants.

An alternative to planning is signaling. Signaling prior to beginning play delivers intentions and gives an opportunity for engagement or to pass. Signals can be a gentle nipple grab or ratcheting a pair of handcuffs. The signal should be understandable by both. A prescribed reaction to consent to a session beginning could also be part of this. If nipples are grabbed should your partner go to his knees? If your shoe is rubbed should you slip out or ask for it to be untied?

Timing: play sessions don't have to be long, they can be impromptu based on signalling and be for as short as just a few moments or for a single exchange

Rules and Safe Words

Play is often most fun when everyone knows (in a general sense) what to expect. Establishing rules and discussing limits permits everyone involved to know what is OK for the situation. Sometimes rules will move from session to session, but depending on the moods of the participants, rules might change.

Safe words are useful in identifying when there is a need to stop, rather than reading reactions. Typically safe words should be in pairs, a stop word and a warning word. Default community safewords have recently been adopted by many, RED is used for 'stop' and YELLOW is used for 'warning'. The stop word stops the session, the warning word pauses, allowing for conversation if needed. In some more extreme forms of play (Master/slave) only a warning word is used and its use is limited to health concerns (difficulty breathing, excessive constriction).

Key Idea

Playfulness: All kink is just play. Some kink plays by different rules, but ultimately the goal is for everyone involved to enjoy it. Don't be too serious!

Quiz

What is the hardest expectation you have of yourself in a play session? Are there feelings that make it hard for you to move into feeling playful?
Is there a signal that comes to mind for you to begin play?
Is there a role you think you might like to take?
How do you feel about safe words? What are your feelings about situations where the use of safe words may be limited?

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